Seems Like It Was Yesterday...
It's been a really overdramatic day today. I'm so over it. I just want everything to go back to being mundane and normal. To me, boredom is mundane and mundane in normality. Normality is what I need.
It was a beautiful day in Melbourne, and the morning sun gave me a rejuvenation that I haven't felt in such a long time. Since I haven't eaten an orange in god-knows-how-long, my body was loving the vitamin c. There's been some really weird energy around me, maybe it's negative, positive, I don't know, but it's constantly making me anxious, and I'm ready to shake it. There are times when I feel that everything is perfect, and I'd just love my life to stay the same. But then every day, there's some sort of drama. And it always shakes me to the core.
I can't believe my mum has cancer. It's so fucked. And I haven't had a chance to cry, or to scream, or even to just think. I stood at work for 5 minutes yesterday, reflecting on the news I had received on Wednesday afternoon from my mother. Really, when everyone tells you that everything will be okay, and that it happens to everyone, it's just bullshit. The sympathy is appreciated, but my thoughts will never be positive. When she had the operation to remove the lump in her breast, I thought positive. They'd remove the lump and everything would be okay. Now that it's not, my outlook is just pessimistic. And that's the honest truth. How can I know they'll remove the cancer? They didn't the first time. How do I know the chemo will work? The cancer is so invasive.
More importantly, how do I know my mother will cope with the emotional struggle? Part of her femininity will be taken away. She can't get that back. This situation is not about me, about my sister, about my family. It's about her. And she's scared.
'Why me?' she said to me.
Inside, I lost it. Thoughts ran through my head like a Destiny's Child song on crack. 'Yeah, why my mum? A woman that never hurt anyone, a selfless, giving and the most ultimate loving woman. I have had my disagreements with her. But fuck that. Not her.'
'It can happen to anyone Mum, you'll be fine...' is all I could manage to say.
We sat alone for awhile, talking. For the first time in years, we sat beside each other and just really spoke real emotions. We joked as I tried to cheer her up, listened to inane stories about the dogs, about Dad... She told me her dreams and fears. She was really scared. I saw the tears welling up in her eyes and she confessed her fears. I shuffled over the couch to hug her and just hold her hand. Tears dropped. God, I love her so much. After everything we've been through, we managed to just understand each other. I haven't felt her love in so long, and I haven't given her my love in so long too.
I hate the thought of her going through chemotherapy. It scares the hell out of me. Really, how can we comprehend basically burning and frying something out of our body? The change in skin tone, in skin texture, the hair loss, the sickness... Everything. I don't even know where to start. There's nothing I can do.
I wish I could change everything...
PunkOnAir : Beyonce - Ring The Alarm
It was a beautiful day in Melbourne, and the morning sun gave me a rejuvenation that I haven't felt in such a long time. Since I haven't eaten an orange in god-knows-how-long, my body was loving the vitamin c. There's been some really weird energy around me, maybe it's negative, positive, I don't know, but it's constantly making me anxious, and I'm ready to shake it. There are times when I feel that everything is perfect, and I'd just love my life to stay the same. But then every day, there's some sort of drama. And it always shakes me to the core.
I can't believe my mum has cancer. It's so fucked. And I haven't had a chance to cry, or to scream, or even to just think. I stood at work for 5 minutes yesterday, reflecting on the news I had received on Wednesday afternoon from my mother. Really, when everyone tells you that everything will be okay, and that it happens to everyone, it's just bullshit. The sympathy is appreciated, but my thoughts will never be positive. When she had the operation to remove the lump in her breast, I thought positive. They'd remove the lump and everything would be okay. Now that it's not, my outlook is just pessimistic. And that's the honest truth. How can I know they'll remove the cancer? They didn't the first time. How do I know the chemo will work? The cancer is so invasive.
More importantly, how do I know my mother will cope with the emotional struggle? Part of her femininity will be taken away. She can't get that back. This situation is not about me, about my sister, about my family. It's about her. And she's scared.
'Why me?' she said to me.
Inside, I lost it. Thoughts ran through my head like a Destiny's Child song on crack. 'Yeah, why my mum? A woman that never hurt anyone, a selfless, giving and the most ultimate loving woman. I have had my disagreements with her. But fuck that. Not her.'
'It can happen to anyone Mum, you'll be fine...' is all I could manage to say.
We sat alone for awhile, talking. For the first time in years, we sat beside each other and just really spoke real emotions. We joked as I tried to cheer her up, listened to inane stories about the dogs, about Dad... She told me her dreams and fears. She was really scared. I saw the tears welling up in her eyes and she confessed her fears. I shuffled over the couch to hug her and just hold her hand. Tears dropped. God, I love her so much. After everything we've been through, we managed to just understand each other. I haven't felt her love in so long, and I haven't given her my love in so long too.
I hate the thought of her going through chemotherapy. It scares the hell out of me. Really, how can we comprehend basically burning and frying something out of our body? The change in skin tone, in skin texture, the hair loss, the sickness... Everything. I don't even know where to start. There's nothing I can do.
I wish I could change everything...
PunkOnAir : Beyonce - Ring The Alarm
posted by Christopher at 12:55 AM
1 Comments:
darling, chemotherapeutic drugs have come along way, the side-effects have been minimised and although many breast cancer patients find the chemo the toughest battle, it is still a lot easier these days. *kiss*
get your mum to ask about herceptin, radiotherapy, whatever, make sure she is involved with the doctor. don't let her leave everything to the oncologist. she is in control.
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