*sigh*

Something is grumbling inside me. A stirring which has become instilled in my mood, my thoughts, my undertaking of day to day activities. I'm changing. The inevitable progression of myself into something different. A creation of a different facet to look back on and analyse. It's happened many times in the past, yet this time feels different.

I spoke to my sister today, and it's quite a shock to see how many of our traits are replicated throughout each other. Our attitudes, our trends, our paths. I always thought I was so different to her, that my life was completely disengaged from hers. How wrong I was.

So much is happening and I need a time out. A time for me to gather my thoughts and look over my life and really see what is happening to me. It really feels like nothing is right at the moment. We often analyse our lives based on a few generalised areas. I base them on family, friends, work and relationships. I can honestly say right now, that none of them are in a great position for me. And even when one of the areas get a break, and seem to be moving forward for the better, another area of my life will bring it down.

At the moment, I can only take on so much. I've hardly slept in three days, my work is draining, my friends are angry with me, my relationship is strained and my mother is dying. I can't eat, I can't think, I don't want to speak. I can't look after myself let alone everyone else's issues. Not to say that I don't want to, or that I won't listen, I'm just going to step back. My head is caving in. I have no choice.

Why is it that life can get so fucked up when all you want is simplicity. All you want is love. All you want is to enjoy.

I don't want to run from my issues anymore. I'm trying to face everything bit by bit with honesty. To make sure all areas are secure with the knowledge that I cannot be everything to everyone, but I can be the best I can be. If I can learn to do that, then hopefully everyone else can, and I will still be loved. If not, then it's time for that change.

In the words of Paulina : 'Fuk me dead'. Ain't it funny Paulina? How we are just these two petite people, and all we have are so many big issues? Paulina has often brought up how on the outside, she and I hold up a neon sign, 'Everything is okay, I'm fine... here, come lean on me', but on the inside...

...on the inside... it's another story.

It's okay, I'll be fine, I just needed a blog vomit.


PunkOnAir : Janet Jackson - I Get Lonely

mafioso

Trying to avoid the Parkville Paparazzi...

Packing Heat.

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changin'
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waitin'
Your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy, everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin'
Cuz when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin'
You always save me from myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better man to myself
You're gonna save me from myself


PunkOnAir : Christina Aguilera - Hurt (Jake Riley Mix)

You Stay On My Mind

Baby boy.

I worry about the same thing. I can't promise you that everything will be okay, but I do love you. And I certainly try, and will always try, to be the best lover you deserve. I chose this 'option' knowing the hardships and problems we could possibly face. And, never, ever, have I regretted saying 'I want you to be my boyfriend' that day when I called you from work.

It's funny, we are both insecure, within ourselves. I too question why a stunningly gorgeous man, with boys all around him, would choose a psychotic, sometimes childish boy... 1200kms away in Melbourne. I think of how easy it is for someone to throw themselves at you, and have temptation get the better. But then I think to myself, if you didn't want me, you wouldn't put yourself through the challenges that we face being 1200kms apart. And that if you ever did succumb to temptation, you would know that what we have, would never be the same.

I too wouldn't place myself in a position where I thought I could not overcome the challenges. I have though, and that is because I want you to be my life. You are the boy I want to fall asleep with, and wake up with. Nobody comes close.

There are boys I could have. But you're the man I want.

I love you. Don't ever forget that.


Dx.

Let Me Be The One

I miss him so badly. And it doesn't help that I'm tired and miserable. I keep listening to Mario's 'Let Me Love You'. I feel like that someone is missing. Every time I go out, yeah, I have fun, but there's always something missing.

My boy, who I can rest my head on when we sit down on the couches in a club. My boy who'll order my meal on my behalf, even when it secretly shits me up the wall. My boy who'll wrap his arms around me, give me a big kiss and pull me close, tight, as if never to ever let go.

To wake in his arms, my head between his arm and chest. To look into his eyes and know wherever we are...

We're home.



PunkOnAir : Mario - Let Me Love You

Fountain, Tamiami, Key Largo, or Loradero?

Today I had my most successful day instore since becoming manager. You've gotta love the racing carnival. I'm fuckin' tired. It should've been my most stressful day ever. With everything that happened, I can't believe I'm emotionally intact, and less stressed than what I would normally be, on a Friday at work. One customer made me want to hit him. An arrogant, stocky Asian boy who came in at 6:20 last night (I told him we were closed, and made him leave), came in again tonight at 8pm, with all his mates. I asked what he was after, he said...

'I'm kinda lookin' for a suit'

By this time, I had already had 5 customers past 6pm come in wanting suits for tomorrow, Derby Day. Why do they all leave it to the last minute? And hardly anyone is an off-the-rack sort of customer.

'A suit for tomorrow?' I said, in shock.

'Yeah... maybe, I mean, I've got a couple of suits but I wouldn't mind having one tomorrow...'

They browsed for another 5 minutes before I piped up.

'So you want a suit for tomorrow right? You're going to need alterations most likely, so you don't have much time..'

'Uh really? Oh....' (really dumb voice)

'Yeah, really. So...'

He fuckin' took forever to choose, I basically had to take his card, charge him, make his decision for him, and take his suit down to the tailor, before he even got out of the fitting room. What was worse, he didn't even realise the extent I went to, to get his suit ready. To convince the tailor to take the work, to actually be bothered to serve him the first place. I so want to use the C word right now.

So irritating. I really dislike the general public sometimes.

Uh. I'm so drained.

But I love it. *sigh* All good. :-)


P.S. The Miami themed suit names are doing my head in.

You Trippin'?

I've just finished watching Ep 2 of 'Tripping Over'. Network Ten's new concept to save not only Australian Television, but revive the audience lost since 'The Secret Life Of Us' went haywire. Well, they've done well... I'm captivated, and trust me, that's an accomplishment, considering I haven't made myself sit down to watch any real television other than 'Tripping Over' in the last 5 or so months. 'The OC' Season 3 starts next week too, so that's my Tuesday and Wednesday nights planned for the next few months. Thank God. Finally, I'll save some money.

'Tripping Over' just seems to be a debaucherous and outlandish show, taking you on every turn to show you that traveling is bad. Just bad. Things go to shit, and deeds while you're young, end up following you and biting you in the arse when you're older. It's just life. Paulina and I should watch an episode together. We'd end up screaming at the television in agreement, or at least, in tears cradling in the fetal position on the couch, rocking back and forth, wallowing in each others tears.

Anyway... It's funny to watch for me, because every second shot is in Sydney, and little things will trigger memorable moments. Seeing Brad at The Oxford... That day in Hyde Park... The walk across the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Imma calls me 40 minutes into it.

Hey baby
Oh my God! I'm watching this Tripping Over! It's soo good! Oh my God, it's hot!
I know baby, I know..

Another 10 minutes later...

Dean.. I'm really emotional right now..
It's good isn't it.
No, you don't understand I'm tearing.
I'm tearing too babe.
Call you afterwards.
Yep.


So Imma is officially/unofficially my 2IC now, which is great. Finally someone I'm actually proud to work with. Someone I can trust. Anyway, last night the crew ventured out to Sumac Wharf for the American Crew Hairshow thingy... (I have no idea, there were free drinks and we were invited for free, so that's all that matters). I'd been a few seasons ago, and it was quite fun, so I thought that it'd be cool to go again. We all dressed up, shirts, dress pants, suits, dress shoes. The whole AG sha-bang. We rocked up to Sumac and were overdressed, but none of us cared. Everyone could tell we were from AG (we sponsored the night, or something.. there was a 6 minute parade with menswear and womens). To everyone I knew, and that we met, I introduced Imma as my 2IC, it felt great. Having her on my team, really feels like we'll work well together and kick some ass. Meanwhile, we had our photo taken about three times before we even entered, so we were having fun. ;-P



Imma got a lot of attention from her infamous dress. Say no more on pain of death. So there was no Stella this year, which I was bummed about, so I headed straight for the red wine. The place was filled with over-groomed hairstyles, prissy bitter gay men, Grant Pearce (include in last category), models, trashy retail sluts (us) and salon assistants. The parade started and we were occupied. Half of the models were customers of mine, with Vinnie (the blue eyed wog boy) really grabbin the girls attention. Mmhmm...



So after some more drinking and socialising, the family decided to venture to our local China town haunt 'Ling Nam'. We cracked jokes with the staff while Imma had her psycho steamed chicken, in alignment with her diet. Peta yelled out some offensive line in Vietnamese in the middle of Lt. Bourke Street that almost got us stabbed, but won her $500 dollars. We headed home, and while on the phone with Brad, I struggled to wriggle out of my suit pants and shirt, and my stupid womenswear belt (wraps three times around your waist - not an easy venture while intoxicated), and then proceeded to pass out on my bed.


PunkOnAir : All Saints - War Of Nerves