*sigh*
Something is grumbling inside me. A stirring which has become instilled in my mood, my thoughts, my undertaking of day to day activities. I'm changing. The inevitable progression of myself into something different. A creation of a different facet to look back on and analyse. It's happened many times in the past, yet this time feels different.
I spoke to my sister today, and it's quite a shock to see how many of our traits are replicated throughout each other. Our attitudes, our trends, our paths. I always thought I was so different to her, that my life was completely disengaged from hers. How wrong I was.
So much is happening and I need a time out. A time for me to gather my thoughts and look over my life and really see what is happening to me. It really feels like nothing is right at the moment. We often analyse our lives based on a few generalised areas. I base them on family, friends, work and relationships. I can honestly say right now, that none of them are in a great position for me. And even when one of the areas get a break, and seem to be moving forward for the better, another area of my life will bring it down.
At the moment, I can only take on so much. I've hardly slept in three days, my work is draining, my friends are angry with me, my relationship is strained and my mother is dying. I can't eat, I can't think, I don't want to speak. I can't look after myself let alone everyone else's issues. Not to say that I don't want to, or that I won't listen, I'm just going to step back. My head is caving in. I have no choice.
Why is it that life can get so fucked up when all you want is simplicity. All you want is love. All you want is to enjoy.
I don't want to run from my issues anymore. I'm trying to face everything bit by bit with honesty. To make sure all areas are secure with the knowledge that I cannot be everything to everyone, but I can be the best I can be. If I can learn to do that, then hopefully everyone else can, and I will still be loved. If not, then it's time for that change.
In the words of Paulina : 'Fuk me dead'. Ain't it funny Paulina? How we are just these two petite people, and all we have are so many big issues? Paulina has often brought up how on the outside, she and I hold up a neon sign, 'Everything is okay, I'm fine... here, come lean on me', but on the inside...
...on the inside... it's another story.
It's okay, I'll be fine, I just needed a blog vomit.
PunkOnAir : Janet Jackson - I Get Lonely
I spoke to my sister today, and it's quite a shock to see how many of our traits are replicated throughout each other. Our attitudes, our trends, our paths. I always thought I was so different to her, that my life was completely disengaged from hers. How wrong I was.
So much is happening and I need a time out. A time for me to gather my thoughts and look over my life and really see what is happening to me. It really feels like nothing is right at the moment. We often analyse our lives based on a few generalised areas. I base them on family, friends, work and relationships. I can honestly say right now, that none of them are in a great position for me. And even when one of the areas get a break, and seem to be moving forward for the better, another area of my life will bring it down.
At the moment, I can only take on so much. I've hardly slept in three days, my work is draining, my friends are angry with me, my relationship is strained and my mother is dying. I can't eat, I can't think, I don't want to speak. I can't look after myself let alone everyone else's issues. Not to say that I don't want to, or that I won't listen, I'm just going to step back. My head is caving in. I have no choice.
Why is it that life can get so fucked up when all you want is simplicity. All you want is love. All you want is to enjoy.
I don't want to run from my issues anymore. I'm trying to face everything bit by bit with honesty. To make sure all areas are secure with the knowledge that I cannot be everything to everyone, but I can be the best I can be. If I can learn to do that, then hopefully everyone else can, and I will still be loved. If not, then it's time for that change.
In the words of Paulina : 'Fuk me dead'. Ain't it funny Paulina? How we are just these two petite people, and all we have are so many big issues? Paulina has often brought up how on the outside, she and I hold up a neon sign, 'Everything is okay, I'm fine... here, come lean on me', but on the inside...
...on the inside... it's another story.
It's okay, I'll be fine, I just needed a blog vomit.
PunkOnAir : Janet Jackson - I Get Lonely
posted by Christopher at 12:02 AM
3 Comments:
i'm not angry, just concerned.
I am trying my hardest to make everything perfect for you. OK, I mess up sometimes - but I really am trying.
I want to be there for you, I want to help you with everything that is going on. One area especially is my responsibility - and I will do whatever it takes to make it good again.
I love you, and I need you. Please give me a chance to show you.
maybe this front of being strong and ever so together, aint so good after all.
it is NOT a bad thing to crumble from time to time. i thank God we have each other to show that to. i dont think others can handle it. or not the way we want them to. or even, we dont want them to handle it.
the world is pulling you into too many directions. and you're expected to be strong. and calm. and look good on top of all that.
i pull you nowhere (except in your pants). but to me you can be nothing, and we can just let it ride.
x
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