Being Yourself

Alright. Got it.

I've spoken to Chalks, Imma and Paulina about this. And finally, I may have some clarity on to why I'm so fucked up. Okay, so I'm incredibly insecure (this may lead to be a very revealing blog, so just deal with it). Like, fucking crazy (there may also be some undue swearing, so... just deal with it). I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that I have nothing to worry about. I'm talking about relationships here, not general day-to-day life. Any one of my friends could tell you: I'm confident, usually arrogant, and secure with being myself. I've never really seen the point in not 'being yourself'.

But one thing that plagues me, is my inability to really be secure in a relationship. To let go, and to trust. And this has baffled me for sometime, considering I've never really been hurt. I've never experienced someone cheating on me, or leaving me in the cold, or walking away without given reason. I thought that you needed to experience something like that, to really be scared of delving into another relationship.

Imma and I were talking in the car on Thursday night, with Liam and Chalks in the back. She made a point that I'm the only person she knows that has never been hurt by someone. I've always stepped away from a relationship before I've really been hurt, or I've been the heartbreaker. Which isn't something to be proud of. But then it clicked. I haven't been hurt before. Everyone gets hurt. So I'm sitting here, waiting for that moment to come. For my heart to be broken.

I'm scared of being hurt, because it's never happened to me before. I don't know how I'd handle it. I realised that perhaps once people get hurt (i.e. Imma by Ross, Paulina by Nathan, Chalks by Tim, Peta by Marlon, and Liam by Kate) they know they can handle the pain. They know that life goes on. They can take things as it comes.

So when will I learn my lesson? And if I'm assured that I'm not going to learn it, why me?