Being Yourself

Alright. Got it.

I've spoken to Chalks, Imma and Paulina about this. And finally, I may have some clarity on to why I'm so fucked up. Okay, so I'm incredibly insecure (this may lead to be a very revealing blog, so just deal with it). Like, fucking crazy (there may also be some undue swearing, so... just deal with it). I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that I have nothing to worry about. I'm talking about relationships here, not general day-to-day life. Any one of my friends could tell you: I'm confident, usually arrogant, and secure with being myself. I've never really seen the point in not 'being yourself'.

But one thing that plagues me, is my inability to really be secure in a relationship. To let go, and to trust. And this has baffled me for sometime, considering I've never really been hurt. I've never experienced someone cheating on me, or leaving me in the cold, or walking away without given reason. I thought that you needed to experience something like that, to really be scared of delving into another relationship.

Imma and I were talking in the car on Thursday night, with Liam and Chalks in the back. She made a point that I'm the only person she knows that has never been hurt by someone. I've always stepped away from a relationship before I've really been hurt, or I've been the heartbreaker. Which isn't something to be proud of. But then it clicked. I haven't been hurt before. Everyone gets hurt. So I'm sitting here, waiting for that moment to come. For my heart to be broken.

I'm scared of being hurt, because it's never happened to me before. I don't know how I'd handle it. I realised that perhaps once people get hurt (i.e. Imma by Ross, Paulina by Nathan, Chalks by Tim, Peta by Marlon, and Liam by Kate) they know they can handle the pain. They know that life goes on. They can take things as it comes.

So when will I learn my lesson? And if I'm assured that I'm not going to learn it, why me?

Take A Little Time

The net is back on (Telstra...grrrr). I'm back in Melbourne. He's not with me.

God I miss him. :-(

I had such a great time. I'll detail soon.


PunkOnAir : Bjork - Joga

It's Just You And Me

Why the hell do we go psychotic when we're in love?

I was peeing in the carpark toilets this afternoon, in the disabled toilet because it's cleaner and solitary. The blue light running down the wall of the bathroom caught my eye and I looked up to be blinded by a neon blue bulb that ran across the ceiling. Almost like the calming sight of sky blue.

Driving home after a tiresome and boring day at work, I came to rest at a busy Melbourne intersection. Letting my mind wander off my thoughts of Australian Idol, what was for dinner and whether or not I had scratched my new Dolce & Gabbana shoes, I looked up to see a beautiful fully-leafed tree, surrounded by light-blue skyline, juxtaposed against the 70's-esque brickwork of a private hospital. The world seemed so simple, just as it had when I was a young boy sitting in the back of my parents car, counting telegraph poles and falling asleep to the calming sight of sky blue. It made me wonder, when will we ever get back to the days when everything was so simple? Does everyone see the same unnecessarily complex traffic whirring around us? Does everyone want that feeling of the innocent child in the back seat?

- excerpt from 'The BlackPunk Revolution'
- Monday, November 08, 2004

I've got a new pair of Dolce shoes, and the scratches are imminent. I just want everything to be so much more simple. Work, family, friends, Love. I just want to look up. See that calming sight.


PunkOnAir : Kelly Clarkson - Where Is Your Heart?

70 Rupees To Paradise Road Part 2

Continued from 70 Rupees To Paradise Road Part 1


Sunday was our excursion day. With a car, a beautiful day, and a beautiful boy, I couldn't think of anything better than trekking down the coast and spending time with him lapping up the beautiful scenery. On our way out, we decided on breakfast at Broadway, so we could pick out some gifts for his sister and his nieces. After much deliberation and confusion, we decided on chocolates and giftcards for the girls, and a candle scent thingy for his sister (all belated birthday gifts). Driving down the coast with Brad was really cool. Talking about anything, about nothing, about everything...

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but Brad is one of those people that when you talk to them, no matter what you're talking about, they know something about the issue. I don't think he'd ever say 'uh, I have no idea about anything on this topic...' So he always makes really interesting conversation.

Our first stop on the way to wherever we were headed (we hadn't solidly planned out our day) was at the Bulli Lookout, a small swerve off the highway and onto the edge of this cliff with a cute little cafe. The scenery was breathtaking. Looking around at the coast, the town below, leading into the trees, then the steep cliff running up to the lookout... Whoa! I forgot that I used to be afraid of heights... I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be, so that's good. We hung out there for awhile, until more people turned up with their families. And we continued on our way.

Our next stop was Kiama. The town reminded me of a beautiful Melbourne beach town, mixed with the Dandenongs, with the cute terrace-like shops, the beach-shops and the barefoot locals. We parked up by the lighthouse, and watched over the blowhole. And by blowhole... I mean... blowhole. We trekked over the rocks that spread out into the water and sat on the highest/furthest point away from everyone, past the tourists, past the blowhole, past the fishermen. We sat and felt the breeze, the sun and each other. It's funny how those picturesque moments affect me. I don't think it happens to everyone, but I become a lot more reflective, more appreciative of what I have. I couldn't help but realise how lucky I was to be there with such a beautiful boy, who was actually happy to be there with me.

Seeing the fishermen made me a little peckish, so we went back to land and grabbed a fisherman's basket... And by fisherman's basket... I mean... Fish and chips. We almost ordered a full fisherman's basket, but was talked out of it by the guy taking our order. And thankfully so, since the a full fisherman's basket could feed Rwanda. We finished off the meal, trying time after time (subliminal Cyndi reference) to take a timed photograph on Brad's phone that didn't a) make me look really really Asian, b) exclude Brad from the photo as he ran to get in position in time and c) have a photo of the bench due to the phone falling over as Brad bumped the table as he ran around it. Good times. We headed back into the town and we walked barefoot (strangely romantic, looking back) through the shops, finding little odds and ends that you would never find anywhere else. I found out Brad likes Bonsai trees.

After trying to work out a St. George ATM in Filipino (don't ask me, as if I'd have a clue), we bumped out of Kiama and headed over to see Bradley's sister and nieces, Vickie, Jade & Hayley. Vickie was lovely and had an incredibly warm and loving home. Honestly, it was a bit strange, when they had all known Mark so well, and I was just this guy who they knew nothing about, but my fears we laid to rest as a game of touch footy in the backyard was called on by Hayley. Yeah... I know... Footy. Don't worry, I didn't play. So there were no injuries. Hehe.

Brad is amazing with children. Like, amazing. After seeing him with Jade and Hayley, I fell in love with him all over again.

Mark (Vickie's husband) and Hayley won the match, much to the disgust of Brad who wanted me to make unfair calls in his favour, and Jade who cracked it at the end, so much so that I feared for my genitals. Heading back inside, I felt a lot more comfortable and I think the girls felt more comfortable with me. Jade and I sat by the computer, as she worked on this scrabble/wordfind/tetris game on the computer. And in true nerd fashion, I was captivated. She's such an intelligent girl, as I watched her play, she refused to settle for a word, always looking for an improvement or alternative. Vickie made us something to eat, and after finishing, we headed home, as it was getting late. We contemplated going out for a drink, but I think we were both a little tired, so we just stayed in.

The weather prediction for Monday implied that there would be showers forming... Not a great outlook. But to our luck, it stayed sunny and warm. We took the day on really relaxed, without a need to rush or do planned things. We decided to go sunbake and swim in Victoria Park, the park opposite Broadway. As we sunbaked we chatted, and I made sure Brad turned over every few minutes... Hehe. Before leaving, we decided we'd have a short swim, just to cool off. Brad ended up just throwing me about in the water... Cheeky bugger. One day he'll get his.

We headed back to Broadway and on the way, decided to grab some food from Coles and take it over to Centennial Park for an afternoon picnic. We got a roast chicken, salads, noodle salad, semi-dried tomatoes, olives, some wine and bread.. We even bought a picnic blanket (which wasn't actually a picnic blanket, but the closest thing). It was cool to go through the supermarkets and just point out random stuff that I liked, to see whether Brad was the same. We both have an obsession with MiGoreng. Strange. But cool.

By the time we got to centennial park, it was a little cooler and a bit more windy. So we positioned ourselves near a big bush thing that sheltered us from the oncoming wind. It worked perfectly. I ate like a banshee. We did pretty well considering how much food there was. Sitting there in Centennial Park, was so picturesque. Laying around with my gorgeous boyfriend, fooling around, laughing, chatting... I wish I could stay there forever... Until of course it got a bit chilly, so we packed up and headed home. Hehe.

Brad had made plans to meet with Andy and Drew. Andy is his longtime best friend, and Drew is his partner. There's always pressure meeting the partner's best friend. And even though I was told that there was nothing to worry about, being me, I still worried. Anyway, we were meeting them at Kuletos in Newtown. Brad and I just lay on each other on the couch, not wanting to go anywhere. But I knew we had to go, we couldn't pike on his best friend. So we got up and headed over to Newtown. They had been to Sleaze Ball on Sunday night, so we prepared ourselves for verbal torture as they told us the stories. But we managed to listen to how good it was and not fall into our seats in jealousy. We sat there with a few of their friends as there was a little 'Getting to know Dean 101'. It was all good. Andy is absolutely lovely, so nice and smiley. Drew is very cool too. They were both very welcoming and friendly. Brad was right, there was nothing to worry about.

Afterwards, it was back to Broadway. 'The Devil Wears Prada'. That's all. A simply stunning movie. It perhaps showed my shallow nature for fashion a little too well, but oh well. Are you telling me that Chanel dress wasn't fucking hot? I loved the way Merryl Streep played angry with her monotone voice.

'Whaay is nobody reaadyy? I just don't understand, it just confuses me...'

I spent most of the movie with my jaw on the floor. The outfits were perfection. I'll happily have a world influential fashion magazine, thanks.

Our last full day together was spent freely. I had started the countdown to my departure Monday night, but I really didn't want to think about it, as it was just spoiling my mood. It was just the thought of being apart from Brad for another three weeks or so... We met up with Craig who was settling into his new digs near Centennial Park, and went to Oxford Street for a lunch which actually turned out to be a few beers. I got quite tipsy after three beers (disgraceful, but it was lunch time). We headed to Bondi Junction, where Craig went off and did his grocery shopping and Brad and I just wandered around. We made the traditional trek to the Tiger Store, where I bought a new pair and was privileged enough to commence Brad's Tiger experience, with the black/white Tai Chi Tigers that I have myself. He seemed happy. The sales assistants were a bit fluffy, but in the end, were really nice. We both chose a wrist band too. It seemed like our lucky day, as the sales assistants gave us both free Tiger 'manbags'. I left a happy little camper.

Tuesday night we snuggled up on Brad's couch, and watched 'Poseidon'. A truly hopeless movie in terms of story line, though the special affects were really impressive. I loved sitting there with Brad's head on my shoulder, gently caressing his skin. Just the thought gives me goosebumps. :-P I still think about that night, and how hot it was.

By morning, the time had come. Back to reality, and back to the path away from paradise. We awoke early, as I was catching an early flight so I could go straight to work. Getting ready, all I could think of was how this situation would be so different if we lived in the same city, and how much I was going to miss this man who means so much to me. I put on my suit, my shirt... And was ready to go. My bags were packed, and we headed for the airport. I tried so hard not to cry. I tried to just walk away and pretend that I didn't feel like crap. It worked. We kissed and snuggled in the departure lounge...

He left before I got on the plane, and I knew why. I would do the same. He turned away, as did I. And all I could think was 'Fuck. I love him so much. Why does it hurt so much? Don't cry. Don't cry. If you're going to cry, put your sunnies on.' I sat in the plane and listened to my i-Pod 'Emo Mix'. Closed my eyes, and played Luther Vandross' & Beyonce's 'The Closer I Get To You'.

Until next time Boo.


PunkOnAir : Diana Krall - A Case Of You

Flashing Lights Come From Everywhere

LoveStoned/I Think He Knows (Interlude)

He grabs the yellow bottle
He likes the way it hits his lips
He gets to the bottom
It sends him on a trip so right
He might be goin' home with me tonight

He looks like a model
Except he's got a little more ass
Don't even bother
Unless you've got that thing he likes
I hope he's goin' home with me tonight

He shuts the room down
The way he walks and causes a fuss
The baddest in town
he's flawless like some uncut ice
I hope he's goin' home with me tonight

And all he wants is to dance
That's why you'll find him on the floor
But you don't have a chance
Unless you move the way that he likes
That's why he's goin' home with me tonight

Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit him I just stop and stare
He's got me love stoned
Man I swear he's bad and he knows
I think that he knows

Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit him I just stop and stare
He's got me love stoned
I think I'm love stoned
He's got me love stoned

Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit him I just stop and stare
I'm love stoned from everywhere and he knows
I think that he knows, knows, knows

And now I walk around without a care
He's got me hooked
It just ain't fair
I'm love stoned and I could swear
That he knows
Think that he knows
He knows, he knows...


- performed by Justin Timberlake
- written by J. Timberlake, T. Mosley & N. Hills
- taken from Justin Timberlake's 'FutureSex/LoveSounds' LP


It's true. He's got me love stoned, and I think that he knows.

Fever

I'm sick. I want my boyfriend to look after me.

My sexy man, in a little black apron, bringing me ice water, and some pills. Tucking me in, taking my temperature, then ripping off his apron and having his dirty way with me... Mmmm.

Don't read this, I'm delusional... Not that I don't want what I just wrote... Hehe. Dear dear, I need fluids.


PunkOnAir : Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On

I feel the heat from the fire

Recovering from a night at onesixone and I feel great. My mind is clear and my body is relaxed (albeit a bit exhausted from the dancing lol). We were a bit upset that Lunch and Chica piked on us, but in the end, it was an awesome night. I'll post pictures and a proper rundown later. I'm off to the parental home soon, bringing Chalks and Imma in tow. They'll finally meet my parents... And my auntie, the reigning queen of my father's side of the family.

God I love dancing at onesix.


PunkOnAir : Kelis Feat. Sean Paul - Fire

My baby

I just wish I was there. None of this would happen.


PunkOnAir : Janet Jackson Feat. Kanye West - My Baby

Where there's fire, there's danger

Finally! A relationship where I can discuss how I'm really feeling, and not be afraid of emotional shutdown. My insecurities can be addressed and I can be put at ease, for I'm not the only one feeling the emotional strain of conducting a relationship across state borders.

I feel so happy that I can be totally open with Brad, and tell him how I really feel about whatever situation. I mean, it's not 'reassuring' to know that he has exactly the same insecurities as me, because ideally, I wouldn't want there to be any insecurities whatsoever. Alas, there are, but at least we can discuss how we feel.

I just thought to myself 'fuck it, why bother with pride and sugar coating how I really feel' when at the end of the day, a relationship is best when the two parties know exactly how the other feels. Without that, you can't have trust, and hence a basis for a healthy relationship. It's comforting to know that even not being face to face, we can address these issues, because when we finally are together, it should be even better.

I don't want to waste time hiding how I really feel, for hiding real emotions spurs the possibility of a build up of tension, and an increase of resentment. I've been there before, and I'm not going back. I'm learning from my mistakes. Brad is teaching me so many things about communication, I never thought were possible. He amazes me.

Mark my words.

So I've always wanted this tattoo. My name in Khmer. What makes it better is that it's the font that my dad designed for computer use. As for a location on my body, I'm really liking the idea of having it on my back, high up, between my shoulder blades...

PunkOnAir : Kelis - Weekend

70 Rupees To Paradise Road Part 1

I flew to Sydney on Friday night. I didn't tell work. I was ready to buy a stool and some rope... Work was that bad. I finished work at six, and headed straight from work to the airport, with my two gay retro bags in tow. I felt so corporate, it was weird, traveling in my suit to a destination to meet my boyfriend for the weekend. Anyway, I traveled Virgin Blue (ew). And to my dismay and horrid disappointment, upon arrival in Sydney, we were all made to walk the tarmac. Hehe. It would only be hot if it were summer, no wind, it was my private jet, and I was decked out in a beige/black/white/aviator-sunnies outfit. But alas, this was not that time.

After walking through the arrivals lounge and to the bag carousel, I noticed my boy. The posture, the shoulders, the face, the eyes. And I smiled. All I could do was that. Smile. I had missed that warm, tight embrace. I didn't want to let go. I was so happy. We headed back to Pyrmont, and I was to quickly settle in, as we were going to find something for dinner. For something quick and close, we headed to Harbourside.

It felt like a first date all over again. The weeks of communicating over the phone, had removed our physical familiarity, but not our ability to be comfortable. As much as I felt unfamiliar with having him close, I still felt calm and relaxed with him. We shared smiles and giggles and by the end of the night, it was like we had never left each other. Falling asleep in his embrace was amazing. We could've been on a container ship, or a street corner resting on cardboard and it would not of mattered. I felt home.

Saturday morning, and we awoke to go and pickup the rental car from Star City Casino (an atrocious excuse for a casino, but strangely appealing with their basic 'impact' typeface, and kath&kim styling tips). The Avis rental outlet smelt like America. It was weird. It reminded me of my teenage days of travelling with the parentals (ew) through the States.

We headed back to Pyrmont to meet with Eddy, the boy we were selling our Sleaze tickets to. Brad had an idea that he was Asian from his Amerasian type accent, as we tried to decipher his voice over the phone. As we sat outside his apartment block having a coffee, a hot motorcycle rocked up with two boys. One was Asian, one was Anglo. The Anglo was Eddy, Justin - his partner. Close, but no cigar. Hehe.

After the exchange and some indecisive decision making, we agreed to head towards Crown Street to find a little cafe. Alas, we didn't, so we turned to Oxford Street and had a lunch in Deckbar at Taylor's Square. We sat in the sunshine, kissing and touching (all appropriately, mind you). Our relationship is so flirtatious, which is probably a result of mixing two individually 'flirtatious' people. It's reassuring that we are so happy with each other all the time.

We strolled down Oxford Street hand in hand. I spent a shitload on imported fashion magazines from the awesome newsagent near Stonewall. And after a Brad-induced embarrassing joke with the counter staff about my magazines and sticky pages, we continued our walk. Down through dirt cheap CD's (which looks like it's going out of business), through Hum Records (which we all don't shop at anymore) and onto Hyde Park.

Sorry to sound like a teenager, but Hyde Park was 'really cool'. I could spend hours in that park, provided there was nice weather. Perfectly positioned in the city, but filled with nature enough to overt the hustle and bustle of Sydney life. It's an escapism for me. We sat in Hyde Park, facing each other, legs intertwined, hugging and kissing, making up for all the time we'd spent apart. And then there was silence.


'There's something I want to say to you...'


On the way home, we met up with Chalks and Quan to give them their Sleaze tickets. I was missing Chalks and the family back in Melbourne, not in the sense that I'd rather be with them, but it will be cool when the family, myself and Brad can all hang out together...

After seeing Chalks and Quan, we headed back home to Pyrmont and chilled out for awhile, once again taking part in indecisive decision making. We're terrible when it comes to making decisions. I honestly didn't care what we did, as long as we were together... I wasn't there to go out and go crazy. It was time to spend with him.

Let's precede this paragraph with this... Monorails are so cool.

We caught the monorail to World Square on George Street, and headed into the Spanish Quarter, a small area of Sydney CBD that is filled with traditional Spanish Restaurants. We settled at the Spanish Terrazas, a cute restaurant with a bubbly waitress and a Spanish band playing by the dancefloor. We were seated on the side, away from the large family-like tables, in an intimate setting. We shared some Tapas, the Seafood Paella and a jug of San Gria. After downing the lovely meal, we rolled out of the restaurant. We tried walking it off, moving onwards to Slide, Brad's favourite Sydney gay-bar. And rightfully so, since it's cool, hot and sexy. I must admit, after three bears, I was tipsy... You know that lovey kind of tipsy/drunk? Yeah, that was me.

We went home and had hot sex. Enough said. Don't even go there. My god.


PunkOnAir : Janet Jackson - Tonight's The Night

Total All Out Water

My blog is going to be jumping over the next few days with drafted posts, Paulina's birthday, the week that followed, my Sydney trip, the family reunion... But for now, jump to now.

So yesterday, I was offered a position to work in Sydney for 6 months to a year. And I need to respond as soon as possible, as it could happen within the next 3 weeks. Where do I start to comprehend what this change could do to my life, and the life of people around me.

Fuk me dead.


PunkOnAir : Queen Of Japan - I Love Rock 'N'Roll